Fri-day! (Ups to Lang at SLAMOnline). I'm hype for Halloween tonight, though planning not to repeat last year's ridiculousness. Just thought I'd give a quick update on the Study Abroad front. I'm going to Berlin, Germany with the Honors Semester. Who's hype? I am. Get yer time on the Couch while you can. ;-)

1st post back on the Hill. The trip to the city has got me juiced and ready to go - at least until Chapel Hill beats me over the head with its sheer North Carolinaness. Which I can mostly deal with, mostly. But not for great lengths of time.

Which is why I've decided to study abroad next semester. It took a random kick in the ass and some legwork on my part, but everything's good to go - it's just a matter of which places feel like they want to require a visa for entry. I'll let you kids now what's up when I figure it out for sure. Check out the Honors Semesters Abroad for the lowdown on the programs.

In any case, I spent the mini-week before fall break and all of yesterday putting together this story on JV basketball tryouts for the DTH. It's going to run Wednesday on page 3 as the day's feature story. Read it - it's interesting at worst and awesome at best - I mean, I wrote it, come on. If you're a slacker here and don't pick up the paper, or are a good person and truly unable to grab a copy, check the Daily Tar Heel to get it.

I'm working on a fiction writing story right now, with the same characters that are in my much-heralded play (which may remain unfinished because of the dumb bastards at IBM who decided to send my keyboard to me and destroy my hard drive when I asked them for my hard drive back). I've got eleven pages at the moment, it's got major potential and i may be a third done. That's a fun feeling. And by fun, I mean intimidating. Especially when it's due Tuesday.

It's a city story, and definitely is trippin' on a Jonathan Lethem vibe. If you need a reference, this guy wrote Motherless Brooklyn and The Fortress of Solitude, which are awesome. Check 'em - they get the BC seal of approval.

Brooklyn... How sweet it is. Fall Break is upon us and, man, did it not come soon enough.

The PR test I was procrastinating for? Hardest test I've ever taken in my life. No person in the class had less than TWO ten-point sections BLANK. When the teacher called time, people a) laughed or b) asked if the professor was serious. I was writing for 75 minutes straight and didn't even come close. But so it goes, right?

The ride up here with Berg and Mallory was dope. Berg was passed out for most of the ride, and when he was awake we were all chillin. And for all the doubters, I drove from Virginia all the way to New Jersey without incident, and was complemented on my driving when I was done.

When we dropped Berg off, me and Mal did all the fun catching up on the relationship biznass the other had been up to. It's good times every time. She's good people. Got a real city vibe on her.

Anyway, I'm kickin' it at home for a few, enjoyin life with the fam and a friend or two who I decided was worth chillin' with. I've got city in the system and I'm feelin' fresh and recharged and ready to go.

And I've got clean clothes!

I'm over-tired, stressed out, confused, sexually frustrated, my nose is stuffed, my back hurts so bad I can't fall asleep, I haven't studied for a midterm tomorrow, I haven't been excercising enough, I haven't been eating right, and I feel like my problems are so less valid than everyone else's and it's october and my fucking fraternity house STILL doesn't have a washer and dryer.

I'm thinking that I might be depressed.

This week -- sucked.

But that made me feel a little better.

In life, doors to different chapters open and close. Sometimes, the doors are open for a long time. Sometimes, you only get a peek at an open one before it's slammed shut. Sometimes the doors gradually swing shut over time on their own, and sometimes you take it upon yourself to close them.

I closed one today. And it was a door I really didn't want to close. The person on the other side of that door was one I've known for a short time, but also one who left an imprint. I got a taste of potential before the door was slammed shut on me.

But I didn't lock it. I took a minute to regroup and tried turning the knob again to see if it would give. It shifted a little, but the hinges were damaged when it was slammed. It just didn't work quite the same way anymore. Some ineffable element was missing. But there were still moments when that potential shined through and it almost worked like old.

And then, for a moment, it opened. I saw everything on the other side and took the handle and pulled it shut. I didn't want to, but it needed to happen. It's better this way.

I hope.

I got burned. And I burned back, in my own little way. And that felt good. But I've still got my scar. I'll be waiting for the day when this one fades.

I'm sorry.

And I'm not.

Things I like:

1. Girls in Spandex

1a. UNC Volleyball

2. Victorious Nailbiters

3. Hallway Hairdryers

4. Midnight Madness

5. Being in the Dean Dome when the lights go down and they play the video with the dunks

6. Ray Felton on the fast break

7. Your mom!! (Haha... so I'm only half-kidding there, I really do like her)

People that don't make sense suck.

They're all off of the list. Every last one of them.

Starting with people who don't like the chair.

And ending with people who give speeches over aim with no prior indication that they're coming.

Points to ponder -

If you wake up and are suddenly past a situation that knocked you on your ass for a few days, is being able to let go a sign of maturity?

Or just disillusionment created to disguise how much it really bothers you?

It's a journal, right? So I get to post private stuff that I know other people can read, possibly at the risk of damaging relationships. If you think that's a warning, and you don't want to read, then don't.

I don't do relationships. Statement of fact. Not from any pressing urge to avoid them, but rather getting burned before they happen or me being dumb. I'll admit when I'm dumb. Just ask. I can tell you at least four times that I was straight stupid. But when I'm not dumb, the fiery stake of heartbreak is waiting. And that stake is an evil bastard.

See, it's at the point where I wait for it to happen. If I start to think, the stake creeps out of hiding, waiting for the moment that I finally let go and forget it's there. Because if I'm aware, it can't strike me down. I haven't let myself go for a long time. If I'm dumb, it's only because I was keeping a watchful eye on the stake. And yesterday, I forgot to look out.

So what is the moral of the story, you ask?

Try to smut, then holla back later...

That's real. Love is a fallacy.

K... Now I know I shouldn't be complaining, but I've sorta committed myself to three dates within the last two days, and between my brother coming up on friday for the weekend and next week being a SpoSat week, there's a) not a lot of time and b) freakin' delays all over the place. I want things to happen now. K, I'm done. Promise.

Maybe.

I've been going through a lot of late. Problems, but good problems. It's the kind of situation where other people see me and go, "Wow, Ben's doin' real well." But me being on the inside, I'm not feelin' that at all. Here's the breakdown:

The ladies - There's one that I met through a friend of mine that I'm ridiculously interested in, but scheduling has prevented us from getting started on the dating thing, which is not-so-slowly driving me insane.

There's another that just straight intrigues me, but I know isn't gonna be good for me to start fiendin' on.

And then there's random fallout from past hookups that are built on sexual tension, which is great as it's happening, but then permanently queers the relationship.

I'm guess I'm just feelin' kinda weird that it seems like my friends are either in the fraternity, on DTH sports or are girls that I'm interested in (well save for a few). And so it goes.

SportSaturday - I'm editing the Daily Tar Heel's football tabloid this semester. It's a lot of work. No frontin' there. I've had more than a few weeknights this semester when I haven't gotten back to my room before 3 am.

But truth be told, it's the slackest of the DTH editor positions by far. I've only got six weeks like that. Everyone else does it all the time. Kinda makes me feel like people are way overrating the job when they go all awestruck on me if they haven't talked to me for a while.

The University of the People - Life at UNC is going slow. I'm on the super jounalism schedule, with three j-school classes. None of those have a whole lot in the way of homework, and neither does fiction writing, which I really don't count as work when I do it, anyway.

So basically I feel like I'm a big loaf while I watch people around me scramble to get by.

Again, not something I should feel bad about, but I'm at that point where I feel like I should have some sort of direction - career-wise, in relationships, in life - and I don't. Sorta like a mid-life crisis twenty years to early.

If you need more on that... it's like, I'm a writer. I think. I write. I'm good at it. But is that what I want to do? I don't know. Based on my experience up to this point, I'm good, but not good enough. I've got a gift that I can't focus. So I do everything - memoir, fiction, playwriting, rap, poetry, whatever.

Some of it works, none of it sticks. I haven't found the one thing that feels right. And I think I'm just scared of not finding it. I don't want life to pass me by. But so many things conspire to neuter me and render me unable to act that it's happening. And it bothers me.

So goes the purge...