All right. I'ma trip on the serious tip for a minute here. There's something that's been bugging me of late. It's this whole "white guilt" deal that the Sauce (that Benzino-run rag that I'm not dignifying with a link) is championing right now.

I'm white. I'm intelligent. I'm in the high middle class because during the course of her adult life, my mother has worked her ass off and become very successful in performing arts management. I like musicals because she used to work on Broadway, and I like drama and history because those are my dad's two biggest interests. However, I also like to listen to and sometimes write hip-hop and rap music and slam poetry. I also use "ebonic" slang in my speech and writing.

Am I trying to erase the blackness of black culture and hip-hop in particular?

No. And fuck off if you think I am.

My best friend since I was five has been and will continue to be black. Since I was seven years old, I have been able to count the white kids in my neighborhood on one hand. I walked home from Junior High every day with a group of kids named 'Aamir, Shapel, Anwar, Muhammed and Kareem. I could keep going, but it would be redundant.

I grew up in the hip-hop generation. This is a part of who I am. So I didn't grow up poor, go to jail and have friends get shot in gang warfare or cross-fire. Neither have my minority friends. Skin color is the biggest difference between they and I.

I'm not going to presume that we're playing on an equal playing field. I won't get pulled over for "DWB." (Think, people.) I'm not using that as the only and best example by any means, just a convenient one. But damn it, don't make me feel bad for being who I am.

That's not fair. When was the last time someone my age complained about this? If we don't have "perspective" on it yet, it's because we shouldn't. Let's just move past it. We're the first generation to grow up in a world PC-enough for it to be"cool" to be black. That's not something to make people feel bad about. That's a victory.

I'm excited to be growing up in this era. And I wish that the "grown-ups" now were too.

I may or may not have actually just had the following conversation:

The Swill Barber: k... i know ruben won, and this is gonna make me sound really gay, but clay aiken's got somethin goin for him
The Swill Barber: (watching mtv hits)
Sara601: yeah
Sara601: you are gay.
Sara601: extremely gay.
The Swill Barber: haha... damn
The Swill Barber: i don't think i'm gonna live that one down
The Swill Barber: i'm just sayin that...
The Swill Barber: yea...
The Swill Barber: nevermind
The Swill Barber: can we just pretend that thread of conversation never happened?
Sara601: lmao i dont think so, my friend.
The Swill Barber: crap
The Swill Barber: i really hope i don't get famous now
Sara601: what on my away message?
Sara601: ill make you anonymous
The Swill Barber: oh no... i mean in life, as a rapper/hiphop related writer... cuz someone's gonna dig, and then i'm dead in the water
The Swill Barber: my street cred will evaporate like snow in the desert
Sara601: lmao what??
The Swill Barber: i'll be standing there on 106 and park in front of the live studio audience, and they'll be like, "so, I hear you think clay aiken's really got something going for him"
The Swill Barber: and the crickets wil begin to chirp
The Swill Barber: as sweat rolls down my face
Sara601: hahahahhahaha
The Swill Barber: and a nation revels in my moment of misery
The Swill Barber: knowing that there is no right answer
The Swill Barber: damn
The Swill Barber: i'm so screwed
Sara601: h8ahahahhahaha

Why is it that you only realize how much you're diggin' on people when you remove yourself from them? Hmm? Why's it gotta be like that? I'd much rather like to live in a world where you can just be feelin' it at the time without having to worry about whether you're all in or not. Because I'm straight trippin' right now. On the real.

Ah well... German girls in three...

Just finished the first day in the city, and I'll be damned if I don't feel like I ever left. I love it. BROOKLYN!! Represent! Ain't no place I'd rather be. Well I could proly think of a bed or two... ;-) Haha. I'm playin'. I think.

That new Lord of the Rings joint is dope. End's too long and the Hobbits are maaad gay and won't just make out. It's not a bad thing, I'm just sayin' they should run with it, is all. Any case, it's a fine ending that they didn't fuck up like they did with the Matrix. So it goes.

Oh, and this is completely random, but I haven't said it to enough people so here it is: the Bubba Sparxx album, Deliverance, is one of the top three I've heard in the last year.

Yea, I realize what I just said. You can doubt me all you want, but dude made the most "American" hiphop album I've ever heard. It's folk music that's got rhymes. They say Eminem's bringing hip-hop to the masses, but they don't even know the effect this album could have on gettin' country bumpkins to listen up. And it's gonna get slept on hardcore, b/c it's a Bubba Sparxxx album, which is a sad thing, because this album is straight different from anything else in the game right now.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Well, well, well... I'm all packed up, and just waiting to leave tomorrow. Got a note from the boys on the door. That was dope. Always nice. This is a weird goodbye. Kinda feels like any other winter break, except that this time, I'm not coming back until next fall.

Goodbyes are nice and awkward. Even when they're nice, they're awkward. There's so much pressure on what you say, because that's the last memory of you a person is going to hold on to for a while. So what to do? Do like I do with most pressure when it comes - under cut it. Say something that you know will defuse it. Offer a personal joke or a catchphrase or somesuch variant. Sure, you won't be remembered in the annals of high literature, but you'll leave people warm and fuzzy - and isn't that what it's really all about?

By the way, I finished my first one-act, and I'm proud of it. I think it's one of my better pieces. It's called Feelin' It and it features Gerard and Frankie, the two hood rats from my play-that-would've-been-had-ATN-and-my-IBM-PoS-not-screwed-me-over, Steel Fuses. I'll throw it up on the revamped Barbershop as part of the relaunch. Enjoy it kids.

And if you're at Carolina and I missed you, I'm sorry, and wish I had been able to get at you. Send me your email address and I'll keep you posted on goings on in Berlin. Likewise, if you're a New Yorker (BROOKLYN!! Whut??) get at me while I'm in the city before I book it on January 9th. However, take note that I'm going to be in Kansas for Christmas (Yea, yea... My dad's not Jewish, Bucko. Deal with it.) from the 23-27 of this month. Holla atcha boy.

Word.

Yea... So I'm done with the semester. A week and a half to chill out and see people before I bounce to Bucktown and then Berlin. Don't know why, but tonight had backlash written all over it. I was ready to run some shit on certain people.

It happens every once in a while - I'll just catch this ill kind of of mood and not have patience and say more than a few somethings that cross the line and burn bridges hardcore. These are the kind of incidents that even when I stay friends with people after, they never really forgive me for them. Luckily, I caught it early this time and just peaced out. Yea, it meant I left the bar after five minutes and I'm probably going to miss out on something important, but it's better this way. I know it in my gut even though I'm really feeling otherwise on the surface right now.

It tends to happen when I realize I'm leaving a situation, and it's probably my way of insuring that anything that tugs on the 'strings doesn't anymore. I'll chalk it up to that and hope that I did the right thing.

So it goes...

Something that's high on the list of nice surprises? Finding out a situation you thought was dumb is actually great. I had good times this weekend, mostly because I stopped thinking and just let myself enjoy the ride. I'm glad I did, though I'm a bit sad because I'm going away soon. I wouldn't mind being around, but Berlin's going to be dope. So it goes I guess.

Wrote my last article for the DTH this semester today. Good times there. It's a fun little article on Ivory Latta's ill one-on-one skills. I'll throw up the specific link when it's posted online. I'm going to miss that life-sucking endeavor.

Oh and I saw Honey opening night. Yea, that's right. And I liked it. Deal with it. And Jessica Alba's Diary on Mtv sealed the deal. No questions asked. She's a dork (you see the coconut thing?) and she's late all the time - only difference between me and her is that she's a superstar. And really, really, really ridiculously good looking. (Bonus points if you get the joke.)

And Alicia Keys-Nonas-Barnes (That one's for Sash - token white boys represent!) new album, The Diary of Alicia Keys redefines off the chain. Cop it while you can. (And I'm mad that I just found out there's a version with a DVD after I bought one without it.)

Ever been stuck in a situation that not only sucks but is impossible to remove yourself from? It's frustrating, especially when you think it's dumb. Props to Mal for helping me get straight in the head.

I think I manage stress better when I read for pleasure... I stopped doing that this semester, but just started up again. I've been thinking clearer. And it gives me something to do.

Oh, and by the way... I'm officially the best scheduler in the history of this university - no finals during finals. I've got a test and a speech article on Monday, and a story rewrite and a paper due Tuesday. That's it. Hate me now. You know you want to.

Or don't actually... Tell me when you're free and we'll chill before I go abroad - for a semester - five months - of no Couch. Think about that people.

PS
Y Tu Mama Tambien is dope.

But I recommend not watching it with boys, unless you're a girl.

Super Mario 3 - IN ELEVEN MINUTES

Not only does he speed rush the best video game of our lifetimes, he demolishes it, racking up more than 99 lives on daredevil shit I wouldn't have even thought of in a dream game at the height of my abilities.

I don't even know how to properly handle this.