Tell me how this idea has not caught on at college campuses everywhere. It might just be the greatest thing of all time.

Those crazy Germs ... an ingenuitive bunch, that one.

Before I tell the following story, please reference the following diagram of Shea Stadium's 4th floor:



So about the fourth inning of Thursday's game between the Mets and the Pirates, one of the Mets PR interns, Mark, comes over to me obviously ready to tell a story, but completely unable to get it out because he keeps laughing too hard any time he tries to say anything. Finally, he chokes out that he went to go to the dining hall bathroom, but was cut off by one of the food service workers, who said, "You don't wanna go back there -- and watch where you step!" He looked down, and there's a snaking trail of liquid poo on the floor, starting by the salad bar and extending through the entire dining hall to a stall in the back of the bathroom, which is cordoned off like a hazmat site.

Now that's gross. And would be the end of the story, but no. I have to go to the bathroom because of the copious amounts of water I've been drinking in order to stay alive while smeltering in the open-air, de-air conditioned zone that is the Shea Stadium press box. So I go out to use the hallway bathroom, thinking that, you know, it's going it's normal functional-though-not-totally-clean self, which is only bad by comparison because the other bathroom is cleaned approximately every 4.3 minutes.

So I hit the hallway, and notice there are intermittent brown smudges on the floor, but try not to think too hard about that. I open the door and WHAM. Wall of hot funk. In the face. I shake it off and forge forward out of due diligence, and my outstanding need to relieve myself. I turn the corner to hit the urinal, and you know how there's like a foot of clearance and under the stall and you can see people's feet? Some dude is standing there in his socks, wiping at his feet. His black dress shoes are resting toward the front of the stall, and I think to myself, "Huh, that sucks that his shoe got stuck in the mud. It's completely covered."

And then the cognitive dissonance ends and the smell connects to the shoes and I'd retch, except that I couldn't believe what had just happened. Some dude soiled himself, trailed it through the dining hall, and then picked up and went to the other bathroom to clean himself up. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? I got nothin. That only happens at Shea. I mean, we always called it a dump, but I didn't think that would mean someone would unleash one.

As a holdover to tide you until I can fully flesh out my next real entry, it's another round of Instant Message Madness:

• The Blankman, on the opacity of sports dialect:
  

Beakman516: how badly is unit hurt?
The Swill Barber: dunno... they're on the road, so i'm sorta out of the inner loop
Beakman516: and its so great to ask that question and you know exactly what i'm talking about

• Edna, always one to put me in my place:
  

ReDrEpUnZeL11: so when do you need your shoes?
ReDrEpUnZeL11: it's not my fault your a crackhead

• Billy Harner, who can always be counted on to speak the truth:
  

The Swill Barber: i still haven't seen fantastic four... but i've heard mixed things there
The Swill Barber: though it does have jessica alba going for it
ScRaPPy4LiFE30: i refuse to see it, cause only one of them is fantastic

• Yet another Avril-inspired random message:
  

alwaysahilbilly: hey
alwaysahilbilly: i thought of you today!
The Swill Barber: hey
The Swill Barber: awesome
The Swill Barber: but how's that different from normal?
alwaysahilbilly: HAHAH
alwaysahilbilly: so true ben
The Swill Barber: i know
alwaysahilbilly: dont u want to know why
The Swill Barber: sure
alwaysahilbilly: well i was listening to avril lavigne during my workout
alwaysahilbilly: and i was like...damn shes good

• Johnny Poo, on his stay in Berlin:
  

Fried At UNC: I made friends with some USAF dudes
Fried At UNC: and got in a fight with some pussy british cocksucker
Fried At UNC: unfortunately the fight was after the army dudes left
Fried At UNC: so they didnt back me up

• My comment to PQZ during Dominican Night at Shea:
  

The Swill Barber: their women are so damn fine
The Swill Barber: can you laminate a race?

• The Lady LaPlante, always there to pick me up when I didn't know I needed it:
  

The Swill Barber: hey there
Sunnywhit: BEN COUCH!!!!!!!
Sunnywhit: i saw a clip of your tv interview on mlb.com
Sunnywhit: i was sad it was just your voice
Sunnywhit: but it made me realize how much i am going to miss you this year
Sunnywhit: O:-)

• Susan Bryson, always ready with a caustic quip:
  

The Swill Barber: need anything else?
SusieB129: hmmm....
SusieB129: world peace
SusieB129: now scram
SusieB129: and thanks
The Swill Barber: haha
The Swill Barber: np
The Swill Barber: i'll work on that world peace thing... next time i see the prez
The Swill Barber: (he's on vacation right now)
SusieB129: right now??
The Swill Barber: this is week 3 1/2 of a five week vacation i believe
SusieB129: don't get me started... even though the mets lost, i'm in a relatively happy place

• Sash and I quite easily summarizing our night out when he visited New York last month:
  

helios483: i think i'm still drunk
The Swill Barber: haha... i been fightin it all day

• Sash, earning a new nickname:
  

helios483: well then i'll just be an actor
helios483: that way i can be anything i want
The Swill Barber: haha... i remember you sayin that
The Swill Barber: that shit would piss off aurora proly
The Swill Barber: if you made it first
The Swill Barber: haha
helios483: haha
helios483: i won't
helios483: i'm gonna use her to breakthrough
helios483: hahaha
The Swill Barber: haha... i'm officially calling you johnny drama

• Harner, always eloquent:
  

The Swill Barber: whadaya think about jerome james?
ScRaPPy4LiFE30: he's definitely black
The Swill Barber: true
The Swill Barber: he's tall also
The Swill Barber: so that's two things going for him not being a complete stiff
ScRaPPy4LiFE30: but he will be wearing a knicks jersey so that makes him a complete stiff automatically

• One of the boys, with a shot at Los Mets:
  

The Swill Barber: there's a press conference for merengue night
B: oh you poor sack of shit
The Swill Barber: and guess who wants me to go?
The Swill Barber: (his first name is paul)
B: call me if omar strings together a sentence that resembles english
The Swill Barber: sure thing... but it's not too likely
B: "We baseball Pedro like to jugadore Shea New Mets win .500 Benson merengue," Minaya said.

• A discussion between the Blankman and myself, regarding the aforementioned Spanish press conference
  

The Swill Barber: i sat there smiling and nodding the whole time
The Swill Barber: like "huh... that joke was probably funny... too bad I DON'T SPEAK THE FUCKING LANGUAGE"
Beakman516: you should thrown in a si under your breath from time to time
Beakman516: that would've fooled them

• Me and Foreman, never missing a beat:
  

The Swill Barber: i just covered a press conference
The Swill Barber: that was all in spanish
mistressraychel: ew
The Swill Barber: yea... faaaaantastic
mistressraychel: do you speak spanish
The Swill Barber: no
The Swill Barber: not even a little
mistressraychel: hahaha so what did u get out of it
The Swill Barber: merengue night is very popular and everyone's glad the mets are doing it for a ninth year
mistressraychel: ahaha thats it
The Swill Barber: in essence
The Swill Barber: i'm sure they were quite flowery about it
The Swill Barber: there were a lot of words
mistressraychel: i think im gunna make a potato
The Swill Barber: baked or mashed?

• The Blankman, quick with the quips:
  

Beakman516: leiter seems like a good guy
Beakman516: plus he's jewish
Beakman516: i know my dad is thrilled
The Swill Barber: haha... yea
Beakman516: he loves him a good jewish athlete
The Swill Barber: who doesn't?
Beakman516: germans

• Sash, filled with the haterade:
  

helios483: I hate Skip Bayless and i wanna punch him in the face
The Swill Barber: hahaha
The Swill Barber: you me and everyone else

The exchange that followed Ms. Foreman revealing she'd soon be going back to school:

The Swill Barber: any focus?
mistressraychel: embalming
The Swill Barber: haha... tell me your serious
mistressraychel: dead serious
mistressraychel: haha dead
mistressraychel: sorry i amuse myself

I think I'm finding this funnier than it is, but I was highly amused by the following Miller Lite ad on the back cover of the Milwaukee Brewers' 2005 Media Guide:

There's a picture of a glistening Miller Lite bottle on the right, in front of a blue backdrop that fades to shadow on the left, where the following text is printed:

"Even though Miller Lite is less filing and has half the carbs of Bud Light, it cannot give you washboard abs.

On the other hand, sit-ups cannot give you great taste."

These … these are the things that keep me entertained.

Alexander "Sasha" Nonas-Barnes, Anchorman aficianado, in response to Bill Simmons' recent NBA column, Dropping 'Anchor' on the NBA (Part II)

Bill,

As this is my first time writing to you, I feel that I should let you
know that I'm a lifetime Yankee fan, and always will be. But i
regularly love and respect your columns, as you remind me of the many
friends I have that hate the Yankees and actually know a thing or two
about baseball, so I can get into quality arguments with. There's
nothing more I hate than a Yankee hater that just hates us because we
win. But with you there's substance.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing is in response to your Anchorman
column. It's brilliant. For the past year I've seen Anchorman more
times than Wilt Chamberlain has had sex, and it's just better every
time. It's gotten to the point that I laugh before the jokes are made
because I know the whole script by heart and say it in my head before
it comes. I've converted many a people to Anchorman lovers, and
there's nothing like a saturday night at home when you're bored and
drinking and watching Anchorman (with friends, of course). I had
actually meant to e-mail you after your rewatchable movies piece, to
let you know that Anchorman was the ultimate rewatchable movie of the
last five years. Previously, that record had been held in my
collection by Bad Boys 2, and Remember the Titans before that, but
Anchorman, after the second viewing, took first place by a long shot.
So I'm glad to see you've joined the bandwagon. Welcome.

As for your argument about the best scene, you're so right. There is
no single best scene in the movie. My favorite, however, would have
to be the "Afternoon Delight" scene, led off with Ron Burgundy yelling
(for the whole office to hear) "Veronica Corningstone and I had sex
last night and we are in lovvvvvveee!" Then the acapella version of
Afternoon Delight just caps off what is a wonderful scene with
statements like "I love lamp." And all of this is only topped off by
the "Afternoon Delight" Music Video extra, with Burgundy slapping
Corningstone's behind at the end, and then asking if you like your
steak "well done or water-logged." Classic.

So sir, continue to write as wonderful as you do, and I will continue
to read. And maybe one day, we could have an in person argument about
why the Red Sox are becoming what the Yankees were when everyone's
hatred for them was at it's peak.

Until then,
It's been a pleasure.

Alex Nonas-Barnes

Sash is always good for a personal crusade or two; currently, he's trying to get me interested in golf. Little did he know I was sneaking in a career behind his back.

Comfortable Couch: With PGA Tour status imminent, Couch is riding easy

Masquerading as "Chris" is perfect cover. Those WASPy country club bastards will never suspect I'm Jewish will a name that means "follower of Christ". Ha.

Bryan Hoch wasn't feeling the Barbershop love, so here's a hearty thank you for the following screen capture:


That may be the greatest headline of all-time.

*And if you can't read it, it says: Zambrano chased by Brewers' long balls. It's referring to their four home runs in 1 1/3 innings Tuesday, but really it sounds like their genitalia.