A key pair of additions to the Laminated List Fantasy Draft rules, with preceding commentary:

1. First, an email from Alexei regarding a successful score with a lady of the list:
   
1. From: Alexei
   To: Couch
   Cc: Sasha, Juan
   Date: Jan 27, 2006 4:15 PM
   Subject: sleeping with a chica
   
   If one of us actually does hookup with a girl on our list.....let's stay positive here people, then the girl should be sent into the waiver pool - not removed from the list or kept on his team indefinately. They should be allowed an additional "taster's choice" spot on their starting roster, cuz lets be real here - if you've got the game to work on celebrities, you're gonna need a list bigger than 8 (six--ed.) starters you sexy stud you.
   
   Think about it, we're all wingmen here. We want our boys to get some action. We do this every night we go out, regardless of this list idea. So why not throw back your homies a little once you've scored the holy grail? Sure, you'll be engraved with all the glamour of hitting Jessica Alba first, but there's no point in keeping her from the rest of us once you've "tapped that". The only thing better than having a wingmen is having a wingmen get his honey too.
   
2. Second, emails from Sasha and Juan regarding the potential wifey issue raised after the Mock LLFD resulted in Alexei snagging Alicia Keys:
1. From: Sasha
   To: Couch
   Cc: Juan, Alexei
   Date: Jan 30, 2006 9:47 PM
   Subject: Re: sleeping with a chica
   
   I'm all cool with the wife situation. If cats are tryin to sleep with each others girls, and they get it done, more power to them, damn it. I mean, frankly I ain't worried bout losing my boo to none of y'all suckers, so. Haha. And whatever y'all think bout that waivers thing, i'm all good with. I can't keep up.
2. From: Juan
   To: Sasha, Couch
   Cc: Alexei
   Date: Jan 30, 2006 10:25 PM
   Subject: Re: sleeping with a chica
   
   I say there can be a "do not play for a contending team" clause for one player per team. the FRANCHISE player
3. Conclusions:
1. In the event someone scores with one of the ladies on their own list:
1. Said female is dropped to the waiver pool.
2. Said member gets an additional "Taster's Choice" starting slot, leaving him with seven starters. This is fair because if he sleeps with one, he could have a shot with others, and we're all trying to encourage this. Remember, no losers in the LLFD.
   
2. Ladies on the list forever remain ladies on the list, with the exception of ONE female per list, who can be designated "the franchise."
1. Other members are NOT allowed to holla at said female, which would result in doubling the BPP (Amendment No. 5) to 10 years for the offending member.
   

Sasha hit me with average draft positions from our mock Laminated List Fantasy Draft, broken down by category. This gives you some idea of where you should be targeting certain women. The breakdown, from highest to lowest, for our four-person draft:

• Film -- 7.75
• TV Actress -- 8.75
• Model/Athlete -- 12.5
• Music -- 15.5
• Media -- 15.25
• Plus-37 -- 18.75
• Under-21 Keeper -- 23

It looks like there are three pretty clear tiers, category-wise:

1. Film and TV Actresses
2. Model/Athletes and Music
3. Media, Plus-37 and the U-21k

Media is in the third tier because Sasha's Melyssa Ford pick (No. 2 overall) skewed the rankings of a category in which the other three selections were No. 14, 21 and 24 -- a 19.4 average. A larger group of friends would almost undoubtedly result in a market correction. More to come as we realize it.

Here's the entry you've all been waiting for: The Mock Laminated List Fantasy Draft.

The draft order was determined by putting our names in a hat, shaking it up and having my mom pick them out in order five times. Each time, I replaced them in the hat in the same order they came out, i.e. fourth out was fourth in, leaving it on top. I then added each person's five numbers, and the lowest score earned the highest pick. The breakdown:

1st Pick:
Couch
2 + 2 + 1 + 2 + 4 = 10

2nd Pick:
Sasha
1 + 4 + 3 + 3 + 1 = 12

3rd Pick:
Alexei
3 + 1 + 2 + 4 + 3 = 13

4th Pick:
Juan
4 + 3 + 4 + 2 + 2 = 15

Having received the lists prior, I then utilized everyone's rankings to determine the draft results. The draft took place snake style, picks going Couch, Sasha, Alexei, Juan in one round and then Juan, Alexei, Sasha, Couch in the next. Successful picks are in red, elminated picks are in italics.

	Couch	Sash	Alexei	Juan
R1	Film	Media	Model/Athlete	Music
	Jessica Alba	Melyssa Ford	Natasha Yi	Shakira
	Rosario Dawson	Vanessa Minillo	Laetitia Casta	Christina Milian
	Kate Beckinsale	Tyra Banks	Danica Patrick	Beyonce
	Monica Sweetheart	Lala	Anna Kournikova	J-Lo
R2	Music	Film	TV Actresses	TV Actresses
	Shakira	Zoe Saldana	Kristen Kreuk	Eva Longaria
	Christina Milian	Ayana Angel	Eva Longoria	Alyssa Milano
	Avril	Rachel McAdams	Portia de Rossi	Nikki Cox
	Beyonce	Jenna Jameson	Mary Louise Parker	Jessica Biel
R3	TV Actresses	Model/Athlete	Film	Film
	Kristin Kreuk	Esther Baxter	Kelly Hu	Jessica Alba
	Jennifer Love Hewitt	Vida Guerra	Jessica Alba	Eva Mendes
	Eva Longoria	Ki-Toy Johnson	Eva Mendes	Kate Beckinsale
	Rachel Bilson	Jennie Finch	Neve Cambell	Angelina Jolie
R4	Keepers	TV Actresses	Media	Plus 37
	Lindsay Lohan	Sofia Vergara	Morgan Webb	Salma Hayek
	Kate Todd	Kristen Bell	Veronica De La Cruz	Halle Berry
	Keira Knightley	Jennie Garth	Tyra Banks	Catherine Zeta Jones
	Cassie Steele	Nikki Cox	Brooke Burke	Janet Jackson
R5	Model/Athlete	Plus 37	Plus 37	Model/Athlete
	Sofia Vergara	Jennifer Beals	Monica Bellucci	Vida Guerra
	Stacey Dash	Courtney Cox	Téa Leoni	Esther Baxter
	Carmen Electra	Jerry Hall	Teri Hatcher	Melyssa Ford
	Melyssa Ford	Madonna	Jane Seymour	Brooke Burke
R6	Media	Musician	Keepers	Media
	Maria Menunos	Keyshia Cole	Maria Sharapova	Mayra Veronica
	Liz Cho	Christina Milian	Lindsay Lohan	Daisy Fuentes
	Tyra Banks	Beyonce	Amanda Bynes	Sofia Vergara
	Sam Ryan	Alicia Keys	Michelle Wie	Tyra Banks
R7	Plus 37	Keepers	Music	Keepers
	Maria Bello	Mila Kunis	Alicia Keys	Lil Girl of 7th heaven
	Jennifer Lopez	Kaylee DeFer	Gwen Stefani	Jamie-Lynn Spears
	Lauren Graham	Hilary Duff	Posh Spice	Lindsay Lohan
	Heather Locklear	Dakota Fanning (in 10 years)	Mandy Moore	Hilary Duff

This resulted in the following four lists:

Couch	Sash	Alexei	Juan
Film	Film	Film	Film
Jessica Alba (1)	Zoe Saldana (7)	Kelly Hu (11)	Eva Mendes (12)
TV Actresses	TV Actresses	TV Actresses	TV Actresses
JLH (9)	Sofia Vergara (15)	Kristin Kreuk (6)	Eva Longoria (5)
Music	Music	Music	Music
Christina Milian (8)	Keyshia Cole (23)	Alicia Keys (27)	Shakira (4)
Media	Media	Media	Media
Maria Menunos (24)	Melyssa Ford (2)	Morgan Webb (14)	Mayra Veronica (21)
Model/Athlete	Model/Athlete	Model/Athlete	Model/Athlete
Stacey Dash (17)	Esther Baxter (10)	Natasha Yi (3)	Vida Guerra (20)
Keeper	Keeper	Keeper	Keeper
Lindsay Lohan (16)	Mila Kunis (26)	Maria Sharapova (22)	Mackenzie Rosman (28)
Plus-37	Plus-37	Plus-37	Plus-37
Maria Bello (25)	Jennifer Beals (18)	Monica Bellucci (19)	Salma Hayek (13)

The results were distributed with the following e-mail:

From: Couch
To: Sasha, Alexei, Juan
Date: Jan 28, 2006 6:41 PM
Subject: LLFD mock w/ results

Here you go fellas ... it'll be up on the blog soon. Check the tab at the bottom of the page for the way your team would look by position. BTW, Alexei scores the huge upset and steals Alicia Keys from Sash with his last pick (No. 27 overall--ed.). Meanwhile, Juan and Sash both stole picks from me (taking Shakira (No. 4--ed.) and Sofia Vergara (No. 15--ed.) before it came back to me). Go figure I'm the only asshole to lose out on a first choice, and it happens twice, though I'm going to check on Sofia's TV "actress" status. Enjoy.

BC
--
Ben Couch
Sports Reporter

The response, only all too predictable, was:

From: Sasha
To: Couch
Cc: Alexei, Juan
Date: Jan 29, 2006 12:30 AM
Subject: Re: LLFD mock w/ results

You like how ya boy got all his first choices, didn't you? That's how I do. But if you wonderin bout that Sofia Vergara joint, check out "Hot Properties" on ABC on friday's at 9:30. I never watched it, just saw the commercial, but apparently people watch the joint. And she's fine, so why not? It's also got that Mad TV chick in it. So what what. Plus, Miss Sofia also qualifies for Film, Model and Media. How's that for dual qualifications? She's like the Gerald Wallace (Not drafted--ed.) of LLFD - she plays damn near every position. If only she utilizes all positions in other ways ;c) But yeah. Holla at ya boy. Maybe I should teach a class....

---

After reviewing the draft, I made the following observations:

1. There is enough variety in this draft to keep everyone happy, but also enough overlap that you have to think a little:
1. The most popular girls were:
1. The unanimous choice: Tyra Banks (undrafted, go figure--ed.)
   
2. The three-peaters: Jessica Alba (1), Melyssa Ford (2), Eva Longoria (5), Christina Milian (8), Sofia Vergara (15), Lindsay Lohan (16) and Beyonce (undrafted)
3. The twice-tabbed: Shakira (4), Kristin Kreuk (6), Esther Baxter (10), Eva Mendes (12), Vida Guerra (20), Alicia Keys (27), Kate Beckinsale (undrafted), Brooke Burke (undrafted), Nikki Cox (undrafted), Hilary Duff (undrafted) and Jennifer Lopez (undrafted)
2. Like I wrote previously. There are NO LOSERS in the LLFD:
1. While it kind of sucks that I got jobbed out of Shakira, Kristin Kreuk and Sofia Vergara the round I intended to pick them, I ended up with Christina Milian Jennifer Love Hewitt and Stacey Dash. Juan missed on Jessica Alba and snagged a booby (booty?--ed.) prize of Eva Mendes.
   
3. If you strategize, you'll make great picks -- 24 of 28 were first choices in our mock -- but you risk losing out on some fine females:
1. Tyra Banks went undrafted though she was the only woman all four of us found a way to include in our lists.
2. But like I mentioned in my e-mail, the upset of the draft HAS TO BE Alexei snagging Alicia Keys with his last pick. Anyone who knows Sasha should realize the implications of Alexei having Sasha's future wifey on his laminated list. This potential extrapolated interpretation of the "free pass for one's relationship" will be discussed, and a ruling handed down.
2. You will find out a great deal about your friends:
1. Alexei snagged all three drafted Asians by the end of Round 3 before inexplicably selecting a white chick (Morgan Webb -- No. 14).
2. Juan only dipped into the Latina pool, though he had two white No. 2 choices (Film -- Alyssa Milano, who's kinda Latina looking, and Keeper -- Jamie-Lynn Spears, who fits right in ... or doesn't.--ed.)
3. Sasha opened with four minorities before resurrecting Jennifer Beals from the E-List in Round 5. And he also wins the Hypocrite of the Month award (check the third and final emails--ed.) for a fourth-choice Keeper tab of Dakota Fanning, who would be locked into his under-18 slot for an astounding SEVEN years, though he probably made the pick in jest (I hope, oh, how I hope--ed.)
4. As for me, my picks were all over the racial board: three white girls (LL, JLH and Maria Bello), two latinas (Milian and Menunos), one black girl (Dash) and one fine-ass female who can't decide (No. 1 overall pick Jessica Alba). I missed out on the only Asian I put as a first choice (Kreuk), and struck out swinging for a pair of Latinas (Shakira and Vergara). However, I would have scored ABC-7's Liz Cho (Asian) had I not assumed someone else would take Maria Menunos (Latina). Can't say I'm upset though, ha.
3. Paying attention to multiple eligibility pays off:
1. As Sash mentioned, Sofia Vergara qualfies as a TV Actress, a Film Actress and a Model(/Athlete).
2. LL and Christina Milian are both dual threat Film Actress/Musicians, with LL having the bonus of being an Under-21 Keeper.
3. Alexei pulled in a major haul by snagging Maria Sharapova as a U-21k.
4. Had anyone drafted Jennifer Lopez, they could have tabbed her to be a Film Actress, Musician or a Plus-37.

And thus ends Barbershop Backtalk's first Mock Laminated List Fantasy Draft. Feel free to leave comments or e-mail me if you feel motivated.

Here's some of the email missives that have been fired off as we enter our mock Laminated List Fantasy Draft:

From: Couch
To: Alexei, Juan, Sasha
Subject: The Laminated List Fantasy MOCK draft
Date: Jan 25, 2006 10:27 AM

So here goes:

Each of you needs to compile an ORDERED list of 12 film actresses, 12 tv actresses/personalities, 10 musicians, 5 model/athletes, 5 media females, 10 famous females under 21, of which three must be younger than 18, and 5 chicks that are older than 37.

Mark your categories by round (film actress 1st, film actress 2nd (they're like running backs), musician 3rd, etc.) so there's some strategy to this. There will be TEN (10) rounds to account for (five categories, utility, free bench, two keepers, plus37) After I get the list, I'll compile it as if we each autodrafted and analyze the results. If you have any questions about category eligibility, or anything else really, fire away. Let's see how we do here.

Oh, and to make sure I'm not fucking around with the results, I'll email my list to y'all before I read yours, so you can tell if i altered the avril counter.

BC
--
Ben Couch
Sports Reporter

---

From: Alexei
To: Couch
CC: Sasha, Juan
Date: Jan 25, 2006 11:26 AM
Subject: Re: laminated list fantasy MOCK draft

question:

foreign females only count if they've starred in movies that have made
it into mainstream US theatres (ie Crouching Tiger, etc) correct?

---

From: Sasha
To: Couch
CC: Alexei, Juan
Date: Jan 25, 2006 11:51 AM
Subject: Re: laminated list fantasy MOCK draft

No, time out. I'm not down with this. I'm not playin this "under 18" game y'all are tryin to play. I don't know about the rest of you, but that shit is illegal for me. Haha. Keeper schmeeper. I can dig under 20 I guess. But to make it have to be under 18, ehh. We all know Couch and Juan have the affinity for the under 18 chicks (Avril, Shorty), but not me, man.

Holla

---

From: Couch
To: Alexei, Sasha
CC: Juan
Date: Jan 25, 2006 12:58 PM
Subject: Re: laminated list fantasy MOCK draft

Foreign females need to be well known enough in the US -- think the dual eligibility rules (Check here if you need a brushup).

One needs to think of the under-18 keeper as a minor league player -- you only get her once she makes it the Big Show, which in this case is being legal.

And for reference, because Sash always tries to kill me on this, Avril Lavigne was born in 1984. So me having a crush on a 16-year-old Avril made sense, because I was 17 at the time. Also, regardless of how many times you've seen The Parent Trap, Lindsay Lohan is no longer 12. We're allowed to say she's hot. HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT. Squirm bitch.

At least some of us don't holla at 29 year olds who pass for high school chicks *cough* Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls *cough* We're honest about our thing for the younguns, ha.

Be well, Be easy, BC
--
Ben Couch
Sports Reporter

---

From: Couch
To: Alexei, Sasha, Juan
Date: Jan 25, 2006 10:23 PM
Subject: Re: laminated list fantasy MOCK draft

Here's an idea (courtesy of Alexei) to make the mock easier: only list four females in each category, ordered 1-4:

film, tv actress, music, model/athlete, media, keepers, plus-37

That won't give away too much, and b/c there's four everyone's guaranteed a pick. Remember to order the categories so i know what round to take who.

BC
--
Ben Couch
Sports Reporter

---

From: Alexei
To: Couch
CC: Sasha, Juan
Date: Jan 25, 2006 11:38 PM
Subject: Re: laminated list fantasy MOCK draft

Check this out...it's an idea, and maybe it won't be completely
functional, but i think it's hilarious.

And this is a totally random list for my starters...waay too many
whiteys on my team!

(Sorry if I got some of the ages and shit wrong...you get the idea)

---

From: Couch
To: Alexei
CC: Juan, Alex
Date: Jan 26, 2006 12:56 AM
Subject: Re: laminated list fantasy MOCK draft

I know you were just fucking around, and that was a great idea -- I'm all set to plug this into the barbershop proper -- but for the record:

Avril Lavigne is currently 21 and will be turning 22 in the coming year. Thusly, she does NOT qualify as a keeper.

I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin.

BC

PS
Somebody's definitely gonna waste a second-round pick to hold her over me. Just wait until I leave you with her. That, my friend, will be awesome. Until the day she throws herself at me, and I'm unable to do it because I couldn't risk voiding the rest of my list, and she writes "Don't Tell Me Pt. 2" and dedicates it to "that fucking asshole and his list" in the liner notes.

I like me some Avril, but five years is a long time to be bottom-feeding.
--
Ben Couch
Sports Reporter

---

From: Alex
To: Couch
CC: Alexei, Juan
Date: Jan 26, 2006 1:22 AM
Subject: Re: laminated list fantasy MOCK draft

You're sick, man. Just a friggin SVU episode waiting to happen. You and your toddler loving buddies.

---

And that's where we stand at the moment. A very important question is in the process of being answered. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Today's update on the LLFD:

Playboy Models ...

1. Must be known for something besides Playboy. In this case, they would always be able to fall back on "Model" eligibility between projects.
2. However, if they were "Playmate of the Year", they earn model eligibility.

Porn Stars ...

1. Count as film actresses, infinitely deepening the pool. However, they must be well-known. If there are any doubts, a member can propose a female and the rest of the group will cast secret ballots to determine her q rating. Evidence can be submitted in support of any claim, and must be viewed by all members, ha.

The Mock Draft ...

1. is coming sooner than you think. My list is done, Alexei's is close, Sash should get something in tomorrow or the day after, and Juan, well, he'll be last. (Surprise!--ed.)
   
2. is more of an experiment than a hardcore simulation. Though it might be interesting to see what people leave out, in order to maintain some new ish for the real draft.
3. I'll post the results up on the site, might include the submitted lists (four girls in each of the seven specific categories), and will potentially air out some of the emails we've exchanged leading in. (I just need Juan's approval, even though he hasn't sent any. Go figure.) Cuz there were definitely some highlights.
   

By the way, Sasha, Juan, Alexei and I are planning a Mock Draft for you kids. I'll keep y'all posted on the progress, as well as any problems we encounter. Rulings on porn stars and playboy models are upcoming.

More amendments:

1. In the event a television actress has no current project or an athlete retires, they qualify for their best-known category as determined by a secret ballot of the LLFD members. The Commissioner can cast the deciding vote in the event of a tie.
2. The "starters" have been revised as follows (this will be reflected in previous entries):
1. There are now six positions, with definitions for clarity where needed:
1. Film Actress
2. TV Actress/Personality
1. Personality = Show hosts, like Jenny McCarthy on Singled Out or Tara Reid for Taradise
   
3. Musician
4. Model/Athlete
5. Media Personality
1. Newscasters, Talk Show Host, etc. Basically anyone who asks questions as part of their job.
   
6. Taster's Choice
2. The bench has been expanded to four slots, as follows:
1. One sub-18-year-old keeper, not eligible until she's legal.
2. One sub-21-year-old keeper, not eligible to be started for nine months.
3. One over-37 Taster's Choice
4. One complete Taster's Choice
   
3. International stars must have appeared in American media, along the lines of the dual eligibility rules.
1. Example: Magazine covers (US Maxim, Stuff, FHM, etc.) qualify females as models.
4. To keep things fresh, every two years a redraft occurs
1. Members hold on to their two keepers and two of their remaining seven listed women.
2. The remainder of the list is dropped into the redraft pool.
   
3. The redraft order is RANDOMIZED.
5. In the event that one member sleeps with a woman on another member's list, the breaking the pact penalty (BPP) is defined as follows:
1. The offending member's current list is immediately dumped to waivers.
2. He must refill from the waiver pool
3. A five-year ban is enacted upon said member, preventing him from:
1. Making trades
2. Reacquiring females on his former list
   
3. Holding on to anyone before a redraft, which he is not allowed to participate in. (i.e. he's left picking up the scraps off waivers)
   

BTW, Alexei has summed this up beautifully:

NotAlexeiTajzler: this is about fuckin hot bitches
NotAlexeiTajzler: that is over no mans head

Another addendum to the Laminated List Fantasy Draft:

We realized the LLFD equivalent to Tommy John surgery or a blown ACL is when women get pregnant. Cuz nobody's gonna want a pregnant chick on their five girl free pass. Unless you got friends who do, and that's they business.

Hence, there should also be a "PL" or "Pregnant List"; this would be one slot per list on which one could stash a female who got preggers.

1. Pregnant women, much like injured players, can also be dropped to the free agent pool.
2. However, you cannot add a free agent to your PL if your list is full. You can drop someone, add the pregnant woman, put her on the PL and add another female to replace the spot.
3. Because of the potential ramifications of a pregnant chick being in someone's starting five, the three-month move moratorium is reduced to one month; a move can be made immediately and will be processed at the end of said 30-day period.
   
4. After the child is born, the woman on the PL must be moved out of the slot within 14 days, with a penalty to be determined forthwith.
   

This wildly alters the draft status of Angelina Jolie at the moment. Are you willing to draft her and keep her on the bench, which allows you to take another player? Or is everyone just going to stay away and pick her up closer to her due date? It's a gamble either way -- if she's on your list, you'll have 14 days to decide if she's going to return to pre-pregancy form.

You could also make a case for Jennifer Aniston being affected. She's stated that she's hoping to start a family soon. Are you willing to draft her knowing that she might be out for nine months sometime within the next year? Does this raise the stock of Hilary Swank, whose marriage is ending because she refuses to have kids? Only time will tell.

Just remembered an important something:

The Laminated List Fantasy Draft merely defines one's potential participants. It is the responsibility of each individual to reconcile the concept with any significant other they might have at a given moment.

This is heretofore deemed the "However You Know Him" Clause, commonly referred to as the ASNB for short.

An addendum to the Laminated List Fantasy Draft.

After conferring with Alexei (who has enlisted to participate along with Juan and Sash), there are several additional rules:

1. The "Starting Six (originally: five)" positions are Film Actress, TV Actress/Personality, Musician, Model/Athlete (orig: Film Actress) Media Personality and Taster's Choice.
2. Females automatically qualify in their original category (e.g. Christina Milian is a musician.)
   
3. The dual eligibility rules are as follows:
1. Anyone currently on a TV show, of or intended to be season-length, has television eligibility, whether said show is in-season or not. Cancellation or series closure negates this status. Hence, Tyra Banks earns dual eligibility as long as she's hosting her talk show, while Jennifer Aniston no longer qualifies because Friends ended.
   
2. Any female who puts out a second CD qualifies for musician, provided one went at least Gold (500,000 records sold). Hence, Lindsay Lohan gets dual status, while Jennifer Love Hewitt does not, though she does quite well in Japan.
3. Any female who appears in three movies -- within the top ten cast members according to the IMDB Web site -- earns film eligibility. This earns Beyonce the tag, on the strength of Austin Powers: Goldmember, The Fighting Temptations and The Pink Panther, while negating the status of Britney Spears.
4. One bench spot must be reserved for a sub-18-year-old keeper (Kate Todd?) (orig: 20) , and another for a sub-21 (Scarlett Johansson?). (orig: 24, meaning Scarlett no longer qualifies)
1. Keepers are locked into a bench slot for nine months (sub-21) or until they are of age (sub-18 -- "The Jailbait Corollary"). After this period of time, they become eligible to fill a starter postiion.
   
2. If a keeper has not cracked the starting five within a 15-month period (orig: 24) of their initial eligibility, they must be released to the free agent pool and replaced with an appropriate pickup.
3. If a keeper is involved in a trade or dropped to waivers, the keeper counter DOES NOT reset. Hence, if I had Kaylee DeFer for four months before packaging her with Melyssa Ford to Sash in a trade for Eva Longoria, he would only have to wait five months before he could shift her lineup status.

That's all I can remember right now. More as it comes.

Aight ... I haven't updated the site like I said I would, so here's an idea like I've been sitting on for a hot minute:

The Laminated List Fantasy Draft.

Check it: I'm assuming y'all know the general concept here. You put five celebrities on a list, and if you ever encounter them, you're allowed to approach, ask out, and potentially sleep with them, with no damage to any relationship you're involved in at the time.

So I'm thinking, why not make this a system? Go all out, get 3-5 of your good buddies and do a snake style fantasy draft, with each team taking five starters and a three-woman bench. Once a girl is picked, she's off the board. Trades would be allowed, though they could be protested. Starting rosters would be set for 3-month intervals, benches can change every month, and there would be a 1-month hold on any girl released to free agency. Initially, waivers would take place in reverse draft order, before adjusting for subsequent claims. An "undroppable" list should be agreed upon before beginning play.

The ramifications of this are unimaginable. You will find out all kinds of things about your boys you never knew, as well as force them and yourself into terribly difficult positions. Can you handle the pressure of drafting first (Jessica Alba) and then having to see what leftovers you get by the time it comes back around(Jessica Simpson)? Or would you welcome it, because everyone went with obvious choices and left out the one chick all y'all agree is really hot, but no one remembered to think of? (Rosario Dawson)

What happens if you've got a hardcore crush that's sorta embarassing, but everyone knows about, like saaaay ... me with Avril Lavigne. Normally, she'd be a huge sleeper pick, or a throwaway Ms. Irrelevant to close out the draft. But because everyone knows, I run the risk of someone taking her with a relatively late pick, say 5th/6th round, and holding her above me as trade bait for Zoe Saldana and Sanaa Lathan. So I'd probably end up taking her in the third round, just to make sure that didn't happen, leaving myself with the fantasy football equivalent of the computer autodrafting Tatum Bell 29th overall. Of course, in this game, we're all winners really.

The high comedy would start in the late rounds, when all the normal picks are off the board and you start getting novelty picks (Lady Sovereign), picks specific to a certain movie (Ali Larter in the whipped cream bikini, Varsity Blues) , picks specific to a certain era (Old Britney, i.e. the abs, pre-K-Fed and the barefoot trips to gas station bathrooms), picks that don't make any sense except to the person making them (Alexz Johnson) or potential keeper picks (say, Cassie Steele? (wow ... that's bad. --ed.)).

All in all, this is guaranteed good times. Promise. Let me know if anyone actually goes through with this. If I ever get around to it, I'll post it up here for all you crazy kids. Peace.

So remember that last post? Toss that sheit in the GARBAGE. I caught this open mic on Monday, this Culture Shock joint at Cafe Buono Gusto (1009 2nd ave. between 53rd and 54th), performed, watched, vibed and I caught the bug. Hardcore. Two 3-minute plus pieces in three days. Y'all ain't even ready for what I got at Monday's open mic. I got the fire, son. The fucking FIRE. Ask me for that new ish. I dare you.

PS
I dare you to come the hell out on Monday. Cafe Buono Gusto (1009 2nd ave. between 53rd and 54th). No excuses, bitches.

So you're all probably wondering why I haven't updated the page in so long. The problem is that I don't have a good answer for you. I can provide many excuses, but not a good solid answer. The closest I can come is that I simply haven't been inspired (or searching hard enough) to produce anything worthy of going up there. My life lacks any real personal conflict. Or maybe I'm just shrugging off stuff that used to juice me up.

In any case, all I've got from the past several months is a ton of random (mostly female-driven) drivel on pieces of paper, a crap verse here and there, a half-finished poem or two (or three or four) and a bunch of play scenes that lack any context other than me using them to act out fantasies.

It should be noted that I fully updated my business site and have written two (and-a-half!) more Torah slams. While I'll provide those two (soon-to-be three) pieces upon request, I'm waiting to finish the book to unleash them proper.

In lieu of any fresh update, I have gone back to the vault, reformatting every piece from my earlier Tripod sites, The Barbershop and The Home of the Dyslexic Cow: Episode 3. That, along with updated DVR/DVD pages, will be available by the end of the week. Or so I say now.

Be easy.

I'm almost tempted to take a 9-5. Steady hours. Steady work week. Steady, steady, steady. My schedule's always been full and all over the place. I'm willing to adjust to people, but I feel like I'm fighting upstream against the current of everyone's committments. They're busy when I'm free. Or aren't able to give me enough warning so I can take time off. It's irritating. I like people. I'm at a stage where I can sacrifice sleep to enjoy the company of others. I took a job in Union Square to save me late-night train rides into the city. It's frustrating. And it's starting to kick my ass.

Romantic situations take so long to play out, I've got no choice but to overthink them. And that doesn't bode well. Gotta play that numbers game, right? Kind of hard when tentative plans start overlapping. I'm not good at picking. Well, I am -- I just don't like doing it. Because then if things don't work out, you're stuck. I'm talking about picking in the relationship sense. Choosing to focus your energies on one girl eliminates the potentialities of any others. How do you know if someone's worth that? Do you ever? (This is in the early stages, not once the relationship happens and you're deciding to get married.)

Am I ready to put that kind of work in? Sash can see it happening, so can Juan. I'm taking baby steps. Have been for a while. I'm gonna get blindsided again like I did last spring with RP, and maybe now that there's no time limit, maybe it doesn't fade away. (Though the fading there was the dating part, not the relationship. We still talk. About how the Panthers are going to lose to the Giants on Sunday. Smooches.) I'm getting into enough situations that I can't complain, but if they're not situations of substance, are they worth getting into? For the number of girls I've been interested in or been involved with (involved meaning "in the midst of some situation that's clearly more than friends regardless of any dating or hooking up") I've been more frustrated than sated. My fault in most cases, I'll be honest. Like not pushing things to the next level (twice) or not making a move (twice) or letting things fade kind of unfairly (twice).

I'm just starting to feel like time is passing me by as these situations creep to their inevitable fizzling conclusions. It's because I don't see this part of other people's lives. You just run into your friend and they've got a new girlfriend or a new job or a new life, with no explanation of the dragged out process that got them there. Not like you necessarily deserve one, but sometimes it's nice to know that it didn't just go *POOF* It's a perception thing. For Juan, to fight with his girl for a month is something that happens. For me to date a girl that long would be impressive. What's dating? When do you mark anniversaries? From the first time you hung out? The first kiss? The first date? The first time one of you "knew"? What happens if your theories don't match? What then? Hmm ... ?

These. These are the things running through my head as I ponder whether I'm about to get dual bombs of disinterest dropped down upon me. Call it a hunch, but dark dating days are due. Until I get twisted up in spite of myself. All that's left to do is live the life I'm living. Be cool, be easy, BC.